Vegans are, quite unequivocally, better than me. This isn’t just a casual observation—oh no! They tell me this frequently and loudly—so hold your sausage as we dive into the virtues of virtue signaling, veganism, and the existential dread of my non-plant-based existence.
The Virtue of Virtue Signaling
Let’s start with the gold medal event of vegan superiority: virtue signaling. If you haven’t been blessed with the subtlety of this fine art, let me enlighten you. Vegan virtue signaling is the act of broadcasting one's moral superiority to anyone who will listen, often through social media posts, about how one's lifestyle choices save the planet, one tofu salad at a time.
Vegans, bless their hearts, are the undisputed virtuosos of this practice. Their Facebook feeds overflow with images of kale and avocado dishes, garnished with hashtags like #SaveThePlanet and #AnimalsAreFriendsNotFood.
They make it abundantly clear that their decision to eschew animal products is not just a dietary preference but a moral crusade.
Meanwhile, I, a humble carnivore, dare to enjoy my steak while guilt-tripping myself over the ethical implications of the next delicious fork-full.
My virtue signaling? Probably limited to a half-hearted attempt to reduce plastic use by carrying a reusable grocery bag—if I remember to bring it.
The Moral High Ground
While my breakfast usually consists of whatever dead animal part I can grab while still half-asleep, a vegan’s morning involves a meditation session over a meticulously blended green smoothie. Vegans excel at occupying the moral high ground. They can turn any conversation into an ethical debate faster than you can say “tofurkey.” They don't just avoid meat; they actively combat the oppression of animals, the destruction of the environment, and the ruination of all things good (apart from BBQ ribs). Meanwhile, my idea of a moral dilemma is whether or not to add extra cheese to my pizza.
Of course, this moral high ground comes with its own set of challenges, like navigating social gatherings where non-vegans might accidentally offer bacon. But vegans soldier on, valiantly refusing to compromise their values for the sake of convenience or social harmony, as they shift the conversation to a discussion about the ethical implications of quinoa versus rice, and whether growing organic fungi is a step towards global salvation.
The Unsung Heroes of Environmentalism
Vegans love to tell us that their diet is the only eco-friendly choice. They’re essentially the unsung heroes of environmentalism, single-handedly saving the planet one chickpea at a time. While they’re out there reducing their carbon footprint with every non-dairy milk latte, I’m sitting here wondering how much my last burger contributed to the melting glaciers.
I imagine vegans donning superhero capes, flying around the world to save rainforests, while I’m here feeling a twinge of guilt as I throw away my takeout containers.
Vegans Are Morally Superior: The Sweet Sting of Ethical Living
In the grand hierarchy of morality, vegans reign supreme, perched atop their pedestals of kale and quinoa. But it’s not just about skipping steak—oh no! Vegans agonize over whether honey is truly vegan because, heaven forbid, the bees might be exploited. The debate over honey has divided vegans into those who avoid it like the plague and those who justify it by saying, “Well, at least it doesn’t kill the bees.” Next up? Wool. Sure, shearing sheep might give them a few nicks, but it doesn’t exactly send them to the slaughterhouse. Yet, for the purists, wool is as off-limits as a T-bone steak.
And speaking of meat, I must confess my latest ethical misstep: eating roadkill. Yes, I found a deer on the side of the road and thought, “Why let it go to waste?” But now, I’m feeling guilty. I should have left that carcass for the maggots—they’ve got no moral compass, after all, and they probably need the meal more than I do.
So, here I am, trapped in the guilt cycle, while vegans continue to radiate their moral superiority, one almond-milk latte at a time.
A Call to Vegan Virtue
So there you have it, dear readers. Vegans, with their impeccable virtue signaling, radiant moral fortitude, and environmental heroism, truly are better than me—or so the narrative goes. While I wallow in my meat-eating guilt and fail to master the art of vegan virtue signaling, I can only admire from the sidelines.
Perhaps, if I’m lucky, I’ll stumble upon a recipe for a tofu scramble that will magically transform me into a paragon of vegan virtue. Until then, I’ll content myself with the knowledge that at least I’m not trying to save the world with a side of kale.
Cheers to you, vegans! May your lives be as virtuous and plant-filled as your Instagram feeds suggest.
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