In a world where every meal is a sermon and kale is considered a divine gift, the Vegangelists have risen to prominence, wielding their holy text, “The Book of Beans.”
This sacred book, handed down by the very essence of Mother Nature herself (despite her somewhat inconvenient truth about the circle of life), provides the ultimate guide to achieving plant-based piety.
The Sacred Text: "The Book of Beans."
“The Book of Beans” is the Vegangelists’ revered scripture, first chiselled into organic tofu and later printed on recycled, eco-friendly paper. Its pages are filled with ancient prophecies and moral guidelines, all leading to the singular goal of vegan enlightenment. Here are some of its most cherished teachings:
The Avocado Apocalypse: According to the prophecy, if humanity fails to embrace veganism, the Earth will transform into a colossal avocado. This apocalyptic scenario will bring about an unending supply of guacamole that will drown all carnivores; it signifies a moral decay so profound that Earth's core will transform into nothing but a giant, unapproachable pit of rotting guilt.
The Cows’ Rebellion: One of the more unsettling prophecies warns of a future where cows, having evolved into super-intelligent beings, will demand reparations for their historical exploitation. Equipped with their newfound wisdom, these bovine sages will launch a global campaign to return all dairy products. The Vegangelists have prepared for this scenario by stockpiling almond milk and developing a new strain of cheese-flavored tofu, just in case.
The Eggstravagant Reckoning: Another disquieting prophecy in “The Book of Beans” predicts a future where battery hens, having achieved enlightened consciousness, will launch an “Eggstravagant Reckoning.” These liberated birds, once confined to their cramped cages, will demand that humanity abandon eggs entirely. The hens will form a global coalition, staging flamboyant protests and egging on public sentiment against their former exploiter. The phrase “sunny side up” will become a relic of a bygone era and as offensive as...well, you know the words I'm thinking of...
The Carrot Crusade: The Book also outlines the “Carrot Crusade,” a mandate for all followers to convert non-believers by any means necessary. This includes organizing public “Veggie Fair” protests, cooking demonstrations featuring lentil loaf, and spreading the word via social media campaigns with hashtags like #assholeseatmeat and #Vegansarebetterthanyou.
The Rotten Corpse Munchers
In the annals of “The Book of Beans,” there’s a particularly scathing review of the “Rotten Corpse Munchers”—those evil folk who stubbornly cling to their non-vegan ways. It warns of a future where the “Unconverted” are exposed as morally bankrupt, their hearts devoid of compassion, and their souls tainted with an insatiable hunger for meat, dairy and eggs.
According to this grim vision, the Unconverted will suffer from a tragic array of ailments: their hearts will become so clogged with cholesterol that even their arteries will need a holiday, their waistlines will expand to the point where they’ll need new zip codes, and their blood sugar levels will be so high they’ll need a new type of insulin called “Spinach Serum.” They’ll also face an increased risk of colon cancer, with their colons so indignant they’ll start staging protests for more fiber.
The Moral Dilemma
Despite their devotion to plant-based purity, the Vegangelists grapple with an inconvenient aspect of Mother Nature’s design: the omnivorous tendencies of other animals. The irony isn’t lost on them. They preach compassion for all living beings, yet they’re often found squirming at the notion that some creatures eat other creatures. Their solution? A relentless campaign to convert not only humans but also other animals, starting with a controversial initiative to “re-educate” the animal kingdom about the virtues of a vegan diet. They’ve even attempted to host vegan workshops for people who own pet cats and dogs, though the success of these efforts remains, to put it mildly, elusive.
"Let not the pious be swayed by the fleeting sentiments of others, for every morsel of nourishment bears the weight of life’s cycle. So shall the faithful embrace the full spectrum of sustenance, understanding that in this grand design, no diet is free from the essence of life and death.'" — Book of Beans, 17:4 (The Chapter of the Uncompromising Truth: The Doctrine of Life's Cycle)
The Original Sin of the Sizzle
In "The Book of Beans," the original sin isn't biting into forbidden fruit—it’s biting into a juicy steak. While lions tear into flesh out of necessity, humans, blessed with the knowledge of good and evil, should know better. We’re called to rise above our base desires, embracing kale and lentils as the true gifts of the earth.
Yes, we’re omnivores, and yes, our taste buds do a happy dance when bacon’s on the menu, but we’re meant to be better than what nature intended, better than our evolutionary inheritance. Nature is cruel—life eats life. And so, the holy text urges us to reject our natural instincts, to rise above the brutality of the wild, and to separate ourselves from nature itself. Forget our hunter-gatherer past—it's time to embrace the holy taste of soy and leave behind the sinful sizzle of steak. "Lo, the Book of Beans proclaims: 'Lions and sharks, bereft of moral compass, feast with impunity, for their choices are but instincts. Yet, unto humans, blessed with self-awareness, are bestowed the heavy burden of ethical eating. Rejoice, for you are both superior and guilt-ridden, tasked to forsake your primal urges in pursuit of a higher virtue. Thus, the righteous shall dine on tofu, while the sinful shall sizzle in steak’s eternal flame.'” — Book of Beans, 12:7 (The Genesis of Greens: The Divine origin of veganism and the creation of the first tofu.)
The Church of Veganism
In keeping with their holy teachings, the Vegangelists have established the Church of Veganism. Its secret services are said to be held in a sanctuary adorned with broccoli chandeliers and carrot pews. Pastor Kale leads sermons that glorify the virtues of every green leaf and root vegetable, while congregants confess their dairy sins in a giant cabbage confession booth.
Confessions are both a spiritual and culinary test. Members must atone for their past misdeeds and meat consumption by bringing innovative plant-based dishes to the weekly “Veggie Potluck.” The most creative contributions earn the coveted “Vegan Seal of Approval,” while those who bring anything less than a kale masterpiece face being crowned with the dreaded “Strawberry of Shame” and must spend the week nailed to a cross, re-evaluating their commitment to the cause.
The Promise of Utopia
The Vegangelists envision a Vegitan Eden, a perfect paradise where harmony is absolute. Picture a world where lions and lambs graze side by side on lush fields of grass, sipping green smoothies and debating the virtues of hemp protein. In this idyllic haven, no animal suffers, and every meal is a feast of peaches, avocados, and endless quinoa salads.
Here, coconut cream flows like rivers, and life is as sweet as a never-ending dessert buffet. Conflicts are limited to the friendly squabbles over the last slice of vegan cheesecake, while the only “suffering” is the occasional indulgence in too much guacamole.
For the Vegangelists, this Utopia is more than a dream—it's their ultimate goal. They’re tirelessly working to create a world where everything is as blissful as a tofu-based fantasy, where every bite brings you closer to a life of peachy perfection and coconut cream.
"In the day of the Great Ascension, the pure shall be lifted to Vegitan Eden, where the air is sweet with the fragrance of endless fruit and the ground is adorned with fields of everlasting cabbage. The Rotten Corpse Eaters, who once feasted on carrion, shall be no more, cast away into the realm of forgotten flavors. In this celestial banquet, all shall dine on heavenly quinoa and drink from the divine rivers of coconut cream. Thus, the righteous shall revel in eternal bliss, where the only suffering is from too much guacamole.” — Book of Beans, (The Ascension of the Pure, 57:9, The Eternal Feast of Righteousness)
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