Ug - the first Pornographer

It’s commonly believed that as soon as man could rub two rocks together he created porn, however, it was Luigi Ug (457,671 BC to 457,635 BC) who first depicted copulation.

Luigi’s parents were hunter-gathers, as were their parents before them. In fact, according to Luigi, there isn't a time when his ancestors weren't hunter-gathers.

“The line of work people in my clan end up doing is all but set-out from birth,” Luigi explained, "so we don’t worry all that much about job security. We hunt and we gather, with one taking precedence over the other according to the season.

Creating porn is a part-time gig for me, more of a hobby than a vocation. But then, you know, I can’t distinguish work from play and play from veneration. Making tools, hunting, gathering, cooking, telling stores around the campfire—it’s really all the same thing, in my opinion. It’s all just life’s mysterious grandeur.

Breathing, eating, sleeping, fucking, would you call any of that work? Or would you say they're all part of the same miracle for which we ought to give thanks?

“We are all miraculous, and sexy." - Luigi Ug

Luigi told me his early cave paintings were standard motifs.

“Animals and hunting scenes,” he said, “it’s important to paint, to ensure a good hunt. But still, I wanted to do my own thing, create my own style. That’s why I kicked-off erotic art.

‘Two Men With Erections Embrace’ - a popular work by Ug. ’We’re all open minded here,” he says.

I was watching a group of my kin fuck and I thought, ‘how beautiful is this!’ It was then I realized I could immortalize them on a cave wall.

From then on, there was no going back. My first solo exhibition was a smash, and thereafter, everyone wanted to be painted fucking.

After a while, I got into sculpting too. That whole Venus figurine craze, I stared that. My figurines aren’t exactly life-life, but that’s the artistic license for you. I try to capture the essence of women, even though deep down, I know that's a divine impossibility. I find women a thrilling mystery, as all men do.

Adolescent boys like to carry my figurines about, you know. Boys are visual creatures so they appreciate something portable that they can jerk-off to."

I asked Luigi what he thought about the stereotypical, brutish caveman who clubs women over the head to have his fleshy way with them.

“What a load of ignorant garbage!” he laughed.

“If wasn’t such a forgiving guy, I’d say your vulgar view of the stone-age is somewhat offensive.

I don’t do any violent imagery. No of us like that sort of thing It would never sell.

Why would a chap want to club a woman over the head for a shag anyhow? We fellas are exhausted from fucking as it is.”

One of Ug's more explicit works, ‘Vulva for Orgy’.

I was surprised and asked him to go on. “Well, it takes a lot of fucking get a woman pregnant, one man can’t do it alone, so our clans-women are always pestering us for more.

That’s why they moan so loud. Who wails loudest, men or women? Women of course, right? And why do you think that is? It’s their call to attention. Their way of saying, ’Boys, get in line ! Who’s next?’

Every woman has a delightfully wicked she-devil in them, no matter how reserved they aspire to be.

We’re all pretty much polyamorous here. But hey, if any couples want to go exclusive for a while, we don’t hold against them. Everyone's into the different thing you know."

So what about jealous, I wondered, then I pressed Luigi on the topic.

“Sure, people get jealous,” Luigi said. "Were only human. "But that the price of freedom, and besides, if you're raised to think you don't own anyone else sexuality, then it's quite manageable.

People get mad with about all sorts of stuff, always have, always will. It’s part of life. But you can’t control or eliminate that by forcing unnatural, repressive rules onto everyone. That doesn’t work in the long run. It just frustrates the hell out of folk even more.

We’re a lusty animal. No point trying to cage that up on account of getting a bit burnt up now and then"

‘Study of Woman in Limestone No’ 7’

I found this shocking and explained to Luigi how I’d been taught humans had always bonded into pairs, since the year dot—it a logical arrangement that bridges economics and biology; a man secures exclusive sexual rights to his woman, thus ensuring the children he’s working to provide for are his own biological offspring. In exchange, his woman gains his devoted efforts in providing her food, shelter and protection.

“Bollocks!” cried Luigi. “They all our children and we’re all their mothers and fathers. We belong to each other. Nobody needs to act as if they own anyone else.

Please don’t go about projecting your sociopathic, nuclear family values onto my stone-age world,” Luigi said indignantly.

“And where do you get this, ‘working for one woman’ stupidity from?" he asked. "If a blessed gazelle gives itself up to Brian, you think he’s going to share it with only one señorita rather than the whole clan? Seriously?”

Luigi fubbed his forehead then continued. “Maybe your one-lover-pair-bonding idea is born out your one-God delusion? But then where the heck do you get your one God idea from in the first place? One God seems a very narrow focus to me. Isn’t there an infinite number of gods? You’re a god, I’m a god. We are all miraculous, and sexy."