Putin, Ready to Compromise on His Terms

President Putin stood before the Russian people today, declaring that he is ready to negotiate an end to the war in Ukraine.

"We have generously agreed to sit down with the aggressor to discuss their compliance with my solutions," Putin declared.

"My solutions, of course, will be the ones we implement, but I'm sure the people of Ukrainian will be more than happy to comply."

As Russian reporters applauded in unison, Putin went on to outline his 'solutions', which included the complete surrender of Ukraine's sovereignty to Russia, the forced relocation of millions of Ukrainians to Siberian labour camps, and the construction of a giant statue of Putin in the centre of Kyiv.

'We are ready to be flexible and we are open to compromise,' Putin continued. "The precise height and location of my statue are negotiable, but if they don't agree to my terms, they can just keep fighting this damn war that they started. It's up to them to decide whether they want peace."

As the stalemate continues, the conflict in Ukraine rages on with no end in sight. But Putin remains steadfast in his belief that his way was the only way.

"I am the great negotiator," he declared with a smug grin. "And I will stop at nothing to get what I want."